Friday, April 2, 2010

Full disclosure

I have a shameful secret. Here it goes: I like the TV show Ghost Whisperer. I know. I know. I like the idyllic little town it's set in, the over-the top plots, the crazy, ultra-feminine, and rarely climate appropriate clothes that Jennifer Love Hewitt wears, and I might just envision myself owning a knitting shop akin to JLH's antique shop. Alright, and the guy who plays her husband might be a little cute. Here's pretty tame example of the outfit thing:

Because who doesn't wear their negligee gown when talking to a group of children? Keep in mind the kids are probably all in winter coats.

It's a total guilty pleasure, what can I say? But why do I feel the need to talk about my secret shame? Jennifer Love Hewitt decided it would be a good idea to write a book. An advice book. About dating. Oh, JLH. This is the woman who has run through half of the single men in Hollywood (including such winners and Carson Daly, John Mayer and most recently Jamie Kennedy *shudder*) and also had some very awkward, public breakups.

But, perhaps she's gained a lot of wisdom through those escapades, you say. I downloaded a sample to my Kindle (it's free, don't worry) and, well, to say that she's a terrible writer is being kind. I get the intent - it's written in a "hey girlfriend, let's chat LOL" sort of relaxed style - but it's not endearing nor particularly funny. It was disjointed, like she had never really gotten past the brainstorming phase and used every idea she scribbled on a bar napkin with no cohesive point to bring them all together. There are a LOT of superfluous exclamation points. Where the hell was her editor? And the title, oh the title: The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello, My Name Is Jennifer Love Hewitt, And I'm A Love-aholic (so, yes, her name is on the cover twice) But what really bothered me was the desperate vibe of "WE NEED MEN TO BE COMPLETE and I might have to hide who I am to do it, but that's OK, and you should do it too". Consider this excerpt: "This is embarrassing and personal, but once a month, since I was twelve years old, I go to my favorite jewelry store and try on my dream ring." It just makes me feel sad. I don't know if we share the same priorities (that's the royal 'we', in the sense of JHL vs. the majority of sentient females) Here's some more helpful tips:

*“Remember: Cleavage isn’t cheap, it’s gorgeous! Show it off!”

*“Before a date, vagazzle ‘it’! (Not for him, for you!)”

*“Take a bath every night with a tiara on. It really does make you feel like a queen!

OK, and the vagazzling thing creeps me out, too. I'm not going to explain it, you can watch the video. Christ, JLH. Even NPR is making fun of you. Why are you ruining my Ghost Whisperer experience??

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